kicking it old skool

ack. Trying to sleep / chill out but can't stop thinking about shit. Have to do a software rollout tonight at 00:00:00, which will prolly carry on till the 04 to the am. But that's not what I've been thinking about, I can kinda do roll outs in my sleep and / or fucked outta my brackets (which, incidently, is way more fun! :))

I've been kinda quiet the last couple of days because i've been reflecting quite a bit on life the universe en alles. I guess you get like that when you spend extended periods of time alone. Oh, don't get me wrong: I'm not LONELY. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely, so lets get that outta the way. But tuning out of life and people around you does give you some time to block out all the other noise and hear that little voice in your head (in this case voice 7 of nine.)

After my last post, about wanting to "Beef UP and Study" and to get my ass in gear and shit something very sinister crept up on my. No, more like Pounced on me. In a matter of an hour I suffered total confidence meltdown. I went home and EVERYTHING was wrong!! "What's the point of anything?"
"Why bother with this, or that?"
"I'll NEVER make it, I am a world class fucking loser!!"

sad, dissapointed and no longer strong.

It's the closest I think I got to figuring out how woman feel on a DAILY basis. (and all you freakin chick liberals, keep your panties on ok. It's the closest frame of reference I can imagine right now. feel free to comment on this blog though, in the interrest of furthering my Phd on "what woman want".)

needless to say, I was in a world of hurt. I have since recovered though and me and the voice are once again in harmony. But now it got me thinking about other things. Like the dilemma I'm dealing with now is that I'm quite infatuited with this Betty I know. She's all fucking that, and a bag of chips. She's also a very good friend. The dilemma of course is at which juncture do you take that leap of faith? or worse yet: DO you take that leap of faith? The consquences of said leap isn't lost on me. I know it could wreck the good thing we got going on right now. But the potential benefits are enormous too.

The biggest concern I have right now (the little voice tells me) is that I truly believe that my peers and I (by that, I'm talking about us mid 20-something folk) are going through a little "depression" of sorts. Of course, I'm painting with a pretty broad brush here, but stick with me!
My theory is that we've gone through the school / teenage years, moved through to "young adults" (God I hate that term!) and now have reached a point where we've kind of been there, done that with regards to matters of the opposite sex. Now we've reached a spot where we're happy with who we are. Some of us are making a name for ourselves in our respective fields and we're hungry for bigger and better things.

We've come to a spot where you realise that relationships are tedious and cumbersome to maintain. It's old skool. Absolete. Dead like disco.

Why do you need another person to validate your unique existince? If you're happy with who you are and where you're going, then FUCK IT! We don't need some chick / bloke phoning us up cus we're gonna go have lunch with their parents on Saterday or going to one of her bimbo friends' / bastard guys' birthday party (and said "Bimbo / bastard" thinks you're scum cus they reckon their best friend could do better). You don't need to have to deal with another leeche's daddy issues or their instinctive fear of cocktail umbrellas.

at this point, lets just clear the room here: the physical contact part is still fundamental to my well being! I'm a guy ok, not fucking dead!! Sex is way up there on the "must haves". The positive spin-off of this trend I'm seeing in my generation is that getting laid is far easier than it used to be, simply because of everyones headspace. Broad brush, again, but stick with me. My story gets better.

So back to my "friend", and inherently, my dilemma.

I wanna tell her how I feel, but in the same breath I can wholly appreciate the free-spiritedness (yeah, that is a word, as of NOW!) of her (our) headspace. No, we haven't slept together yet. Never even fooled around, in case you where wondering. Which makes it all that more inticing! What would it be like? What does her "close up face" look like. You know, the way someone looks when you're with them, up close?

How's that? I dunno. just, different.

Anyways, I digress. I've ultimatly decided to just let it slide for now and enjoy the experience of being in her amazing presence. She rocks my world on so many different levels though but now is not the time. Not yet.

I'm having alot of fun in my life right now. I'm clear on where I wanna be in the next 5 years or so and come what may, I'm feeling stronger than ever.

The feeling is akin to driving next to the coast in a really swanky convertible, with the music pumping, the top down and the sun on my face.

But in a couple of years time, it'll be really awesome if she could ride shotgun with me :)

[G], out

think of all the good things that I did to you
think of all the bad things that I didn't do