kicking it old skool

yes yes ya'll

So I've been back at ex-work for about a week or so now and things are pretty much in the same state as before: baddly thought (and I use the term "thought" here loosly) through projects, bad bad bad management of expectations and stupidity running rampant, free and wild.

it's good to be back. Especially as a KonTrakt0r 2000 (tm), as this affords me the privileged luxuary of just not giving a fuck. And getting paid for it!! Life is just soooo sweet at the moment. I had a great conversation with my girlfriend about it again the other day. I said that as it stands, my life is nothing if not options (job and money wise, it's usually never a good idea to tell your girl "I got other options" and not specify. That shit will get you killed). I’m also not sure what I did right or what universal power felt it was a good time to rock my world, but whatever.

One thing that I keep thinking about though (and this kinda puts a damper on things for me) is yet another conversation I had with my best mate when he was down here on holiday from London.

We where catching up and talking about life, and growing up and how hectic shit’s become all of a sudden, how quickly we’ve grown up from the school kids with nothing but attitude and aiming to be millionaires at 25. How the guys are having kids and getting hitched and got careers and mortgages and shit and shit. Which led to a little post mortem of our own lives and what we’ve achieved. Now my friend isn’t really pleased with what his done thus far, but in all fairness he’s walked a way different path. I said that I’m very much pleased with how I’ve done and that it’s almost seemed “too easy” from the outside, but personally I know that I worked god damn hard for everything I have and can do from a skill point of view.

Then he made a comment that put that but that train of thought to a crashing halt. He said that I had an easy life and things have always just worked out for me. I've had supporting and loving parents, lots of opportunities to grow etc and as such things will always work out for me.

(PS: If you’re one of the church going folk, now would be a good time to stop reading)

Some background info before I continue: before we got into this, we where discussing and debating some very very deep spiritual shit. When I say deep, I’m talking past life regression and reincarnation, that kinda shit. Having been apart for so long we’ve both had an opportunity to learn and grow independently from each other, which inherently incubates new ideas and values. It was great comparing notes and bouncing ideas off each other.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of reading on pretty much anything I can find on the subject, trying to form my own views and opinions, as I usually do. Being the ultimate cynic, I rarely take shit at face value and like to get lots of input from as many places as possible. And needless to say, this is very much a work in progress! But I do believe a few things and one of them (with matched my friend’s opinion) is that before you do the whole life thing, you get to choose who you wanna be. Think of it as window shopping :)

Now obviously at this stage you would have reviewed where you’re at (spiritually), what your past lives where like and so on to determine what you want to accomplish in the next one. Maybe you want to grow more, so you choose a tougher life or maybe the “silver spoon” model likes mighty fine, as the last couple of lives where way rough and a little vacation is in order :)

So to get back to what my friend was saying, coupled with what I believe kinda how this whole thing works, you can clearly see my dilemma?

Confusion. Lots of it.

Did I choose an “easy life”? If so, why? And also, if so, how can I say that “I worked hard for it?” even if I believe it to be so?

Initially, I was pissed with him for saying that, cus it means that it was all preordained and all my “hard work” was bullshit. Kinda mentally slaps me off my little soapbox I’ve always had. And it also gave him justification for his failures, like it’s to be expected because that’s how he choose it. But in truth, I was more pissed off with myself. Now add “everything happens for a reason” to this storm of thought, and what you end up with is a massive headache.

Clearly I’m not sold on any one opinion yet and I did mention that I really enjoy looking at a problem from as many angles as possible. For the time being though, I’m taking nothing for granted (albeit I’m waaaay thank full none the less).

The best I can do for right now is to enjoy it.

That is, after all, what life is really all about :)

[G], out

im thinking less and feeling more