Well, as I’ve alluded to in the previous post, it is in fact true. We’ve signed up for a 28 day detoxification exercise, courtesy of my friend Morne and his Elixir cleansing and weight loss program.
Last night, after our weekend of pleasure and gluttony we scrambled down to the organic food store before they closed at 21:00 to pick up ingredients. He sent us a comprehensive eating guide, with recipes, approved foods and diet suggestions.
Here the blurb:
“The purpose of this program is to improve cell and enzyme function, assist the liver and kidneys with detoxification, and to decrease the body’s fat stores. As this is a detoxification program, any food or drink that typically causes sensitivities or increases toxicity has been eliximated(sic) from the program. Over the next 4 weeks or more weeks you will increase your energy and your cellular vitality.”
And along with the diet, they combine it with a machine that does Electrolipolysis, which in a nutshell heats up and melts away your body fat. You then piss it all out, along with the toxins stored in the fat. Of course, your liver and kidneys need to be in good shape to deal with this… hence the diet. It’s an elegant solution.
I have my first machine session this evening, although I don’t need to lose any more weight to be sure, but after shifting between “not the hell” and “yeah, why not” I eventually settled on the latter, since Annelie wanted to check it out also, and it would be a good exercise for both of us. That, or we never make year 2 of our wedding anniversary!
So this morning, I kicked off the day with 2 glasses of warm water with lemon juice in it... which was… disgusting! I kid with Morne later on that I now understand why people lose so much weight on this program, since we all kick off our day with a light bout of bulimia, after chugging down warm water!
Last night we made Elixir Detox soup™ (the preferred soup for the first week of detox and made for champions!), and I have to say I quite like it. Apart from the fact that it contains stuff I didn’t know existed up until about 20:48 last evening, it’s tasty. For breakfast, it was chopped fruit (no citrus, so oranges et al are out) but at least you can eat as much as you want. You then snack on fruits until just before lunch, when you swop over to a salad with spinach before you hit the soup. The salad gets your enzymes working (apparently). The guide is to never stop eating: if you go hungry, you’re doing it wrong!
At around 12o’clock though my body sat me down and started asking some serious questions. Like “dude, what the eff??” and “where is my coffee? Why don’t I have my coffee yet, bitch??!” It then decided to punish me for this oversight, by smacking itself in the brain and treating me to a world class caffeine hang over. It followed up that display of power with clear instructions to my stomach that it will not, under any circumstances, report “we are full” until this situation with me scoffing nothing but organic fruit and soup is rectified.
Every time I open my drawer, a life sized, earless Lindt white chocolate bunny (ears chewed off on Friday…) stares back at me, pleading that I finish the job. Instead, I reach for an apple, and start chewing again. My stomach still stubbornly refuses to listen to reason and like a really old laptop battery it's reporting 0% charge, even though it’s been on the mains power all freakin morning.
I spent a good portion of my free time trying to buck the system, arguing with Morne that low GI, gluten free bread is really very healthy and I should have some, or that chick peas are just the same as any old green pea, and hummus would be really grand with these bland carrots. I could only stand being called derivates of female genitalia for so long though and gave up that fight. I will have to get creative with what’s on this very limited “approved foods” list.
All in good time.
In the evening I went over to get hooked up to the "machine". It's an interesting electrical device, with 32 nodes that attach to gel pads, which in turn are stuck to your lymph nodes and a few other areas around your torso, with 4 on your biceps respectfully. Our session started with a little Q&A, measurements and general health checks before the machine was switched on. The experience is like having a mild electric current pumped into you at intervals, which shifts every few minutes, from always-on to pulse and so forth. Overall, it wasn't unpleasant, and I appreciated being able to lie down for a change, since by the evening I was feeling very sorry for myself. I was dealing with a mild headache and feeling very anxious and ratty. I don't think this was due to being hungry, since I went home first and ate a very good meal of Salmon and rice with some broccoli.
Session done, I headed home. On the bus I started feeling like crap again, light headed and dizzy, motion sick and still ratty as hell. Got home and passed out on the couch, after drinking a litre of water.
I would say that Annelie has been really helpful with making the food and getting things together for us. I'm glad we're at least doing this together.
[G, out]
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